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Impact Write-Up (March 24th, 2011): Take a Step Into The Twilight Zone…

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Oh here we go! It is that time of the week yet again and I am back with another rendition of the Impact Write-Up! Yes, it is yours truly and I can definitely say that after last week, I’m hoping TNA went for a little redemption factor this week. Last week, we saw a three minute “streetfight” between four of TNA’s Knockouts and their respective male partners. We also saw a flash in the pan(har har) return from former Knockout Alissa Flash in a very unsuccessful try against the TNA Knockouts Champion. This week, we’ve got a match between two women who just can’t seem to get enough of beating the hell out of each other. And..we are also going to explore another chapter in the new developing saga of the troop of Mexican Americans looking to stake their claim on the company. Buckle up, strap in, do whatever it takes to secure yourself to your location. You’re in for a ride.

HARDCORE COUNTRY! Our first glimpse of Knockout action comes in the form of Mickie James, bounding to the ring in those classic daisy dukes and a teal fringe top with gorgeous red hair. She is set to take on Tara, who we see backstage, straddling her crotch rocket. Out of nowhere, Madison Rayne storms up and demands that Tara destroy Mickie, or else! Tara questions it but Madison is quick to let her know that this isn’t a classroom, she doesn’t need to ask questions. She just needs to go do her job. Job? Yes. Go do your job, Tara. Do all of Madison’s dirty work so she can squash Mickie at Lockdown. Winning. Duh. BROKEN! BROKEN! And out she rides, complete with the giant bow on her backside and no sooner than she can climb the apron, the veteran is flipped over to her backside. Good thing she brought that extra cushion, huh?

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Impact Write-Up (March 17th, 2011): The Street Fight That Never Was…

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My, how the time flies. I feel like I just did this. Haha. Last week, we saw a six way tag team match between The Beautiful People and their paranormal counterpart against a midnight snack, a bowl of spicy salsa and their mile-wide hip…ster, Angelina Pivarnick. We also saw the quick and fruitless return of former TNA Knockout, Roxxi, to the Impact Zone. Needless to say, it was a definite sight to see. This week, we have yet another installment of the championship open challenge, as well as a mixed tag team street fight that is bound to leave us all scratching our heads. Are you as excited as I am? Oh come on. I know you are. It’s time to flip the switch and shine the light! Vamos!

Our fight glimpse comes from the trailer park behind the arena, where Angelina Love and Velvet Sky are seen prepping for their match later in the night. Well, A. Love is grooming her blonde locks while Velvet seems far too pumped. She tells Angelina to go after the little one while she finishes some unfinished business with Sarita. A. Love, all the while, seems none so interested and almost spaced out while Vel Vel rambles on, talking about how excited she is that they are finally going to be teaming up again. Because they totally didn’t do that a couple of weeks ago or anything. Geez! Anyway, in comes Winter, much to Velvet’s dismay and she informs Velvet that it will not be her in the street fight. Instead, Vel is out and Winter is in, due to Velvet’s jealousy this past Sunday at Victory Road. Winter goes to pull Angelina away but Velvet is hellbent on trying to convince A. Love that it wasn’t her fault they lost at the pay-per-view. She is sticking to her guns that she was only trying to help them. All Angelina can do is simply look annoyed and confused, albeit even, under the influence of drugs. I’m pretty sure Winter is slipping her ruffies.

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Jersey Shore Angelina’s In-Ring Debut is a Ratings Dud

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The in-ring debut of Jersey Shore star Angelina Pivarnick this past Thursday on Impact proved to be a dud in the ratings. Pivarnick’s match, which saw her team with Cookie and Sarita against The Beautiful People and Winter, scored the lowest quarter hour of the entire show at just a 1.12, according to ProWrestling.net. Angelina’s … Read more

Impact Write-Up (March 10th, 2011): The Beautiful People Send Angelina Swimming Back to the Jersey Shore

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So last week, we saw a monstrosity of a wedding that never should have happened in the first place. I mean, who renews their vows after only six months of marriage? Exactly. We also saw the continuing battle between Velvet Sky and Sarita which turned into a fist pumping party for Angelina from the Jersey Shore. This week, we’ve got that oh so awaited six way match featuring Miss Pavarnick as well as another installment in the Madison Rayne Open Challenge series. I know you’ve waited a week for it. Don’t lie. So grab a slice of humble pie, this show is about to get interesting.

Our first glimpse into Knockout beauty comes in the form of a backstage segment between The Beautiful People, Velvet Sky and Angelina Love. They are seen sitting down, lacing up their boots for their six way tag match later in the evening. They’re talking about the Jersey Shore girls and how they just can’t get enough of TBP. Naturally, as if on cue, the trio of Angelina Pavarnick, Cookie and Sarita come strolling in, much to the delight of Vel Vel and A. Love who have them confused with the football team. I’ll admit. I choked on my sweet tea. Anyway, Angelina from the Shore, tells the entire room to shut the f*** up and states that Jersey girls tell someone they’re gonna kick their ass before they actually do it. Really? Is it that important that it deserves a pre-notification? She claims it is proper etiquette and she’s going to embarass them in front of their whole crew. Who that crew is, I have no idea.

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Impact Write-Up (March 3rd, 2011): Angelina Washes Up from the (Jersey) Shore

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Welcome, my darlings, to the ever so late Impact Write-Up. I apologize for the serious tardy on my part. Unexpected twelve hour shifts at work are never a pleasant surprise. Now, onto the business at hand…last week, we saw the return of yet another former TNA Knockout in ODB in an answer to Madison Rayne‘s open challenge. We also saw an array of backstage segments between several other Knockouts that lead up to current happenings. This week, Impact is coming from Fayetteville, North Carolina and there is a special guest set to show up. We’ve got the ill-awaited “final” battle between two of TNA’s top Knockouts, set to end this war once and for all. Not to mention, that we’ve all been invited to a wedding! Oh Yeah. Why are we still discussing this? Let’s get this ball rolling!

In the ring first, accompanied by her tiny tot cousin Rosita, is Sarita. There’s a tongue twister for you. Set to due battle against Velvet Sky for the “final” time, to settle all the scores, Sarita is looking to dance her way through this match. I don’t really know what to make of their outfits so I won’t even being to scratch that surface. Obviously out next is Velvet, dressed in her signature color of pink and ready to get get this match started. It has been weeks after weeks of torment from Sarita and finally, Velvet has a chance to prove what she’s worth. She is accompanied to the ring by Angelina Love who looks glistening as always. Sorry guys but the pigeons are going to have to stay in the coop this week because Velvet is wasting no time getting in the ring and all up in Sarita’s grill.

Let me remind you, as Taz and Mike Tenay do several times, this match could very well be Velvet Sky’s last match in TNA if she can’t bring home the win. Anyway, Velvet is ready to do this but Sarita is set on playing games, turning around to cross her arms. The purpose? Don’t ask me. Haha. Grabbing a handful of Sarita’s hair, Velvet almost looks to pull her back but Sarita kicks back that leg, only to be caught at the ankle. Velvet comes at her with a clothesline and with a quick lift-up, Velvet counters on Sarita with a falling crossbody pin attempt. It is a quick no good and they’re both back up. A kick and a slap, double time and they’re going across the ring. I swear I got severely dizzy for a moment. I’ve been staring at a computer screen all day. Literally.

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Impact Write-Up (February 24th, 2011): I Hope ODB Knows How to Count to Three!

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Oh what a week it has been! I am so glad that now is the time for the weekly Diva Dirt TNA Impact Write-Up! I want to thank you for joining me and strapping in for this rollercoaster ride! Last week, we saw a beautiful former TNA Knockout return to the Impact Zone in the form of Traci Brooks. She took out the mean mugging Cookie to help her man, Kazarian. We also saw a hot sauce feud begin to come to an end between two current Knockouts and we were given a sneak peek into this week’s Impact. This week, we finally get to see how this Open Challenge fiasco is going to work for the self-proclaimed “Queen” of the Knockouts division. We are also graced with a load of backstage happenings that I can’t even begin to describe so let’s put this baby in gear and get on the road! It’s time for some action!

Our first glimpse of the Knockouts comes in the form of The Beautiful People, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky in their dressing room(aka the trailer park). Angelina seems to be trying to talk her BFF out of the career threatening match with Sarita, a challenge issued last week. Velvet says she’s aware of what Angelina is trying to say but what would Angelina do in her situation? A. Love comes back with the fact that Sarita is the point and Sarita is just loco. Not to mention, her little chihuahua of a cousin, Rosita, running around behind her. Angelina even goes on to say that it isn’t Velvet’s ability(like everyone else thinks) but it’s Sarita and she’s crazy. Velvet says it’s nothing personal but she just needs to be alone. She needs to be alone to collect her thoughts and that’s just what she gets. Angelina leaves Vel Vel to pinch her nose and battle her demons on her own. Oh Velvet. I feel for you but I hate your outfit.

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Impact Write-Up (February 17th, 2011): Sarita Rules and Velvet Drools!

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Hola my little churros! It is that time again, for another edition of the Diva Dirt TNA iMPACT! Write-Up! You all know who I am and I know who most of you who are. We’re forming a bond here so let’s keep it strong. Last week, I missed iMPACT! due to a bout of bronchitis that hit me like a speeding truck so I want to thank Melanie for filling in for me. She’s gorgeous. Much love to her. I do know that last week, we saw the highly anticipated debut of Sarita‘s familia in Rosita, the newest Knockout to grace the scene. That was a rather interesting eight Knockout tag team match.

This week, Muy Caliente(oh it’s gonna stick) is taking on The Beautiful People in a tag team match that is bound to be salsarific! We also got a random dose of fist pumpin’ this week in the form of hairspray highhats and self tanner. And we all know how TNA loves to surprise us, so if you haven’t watched by this point, buckle up. It’s going to be a bumpy ride! Vamos!

Our Knockouts action for this week really starts out in a match between the X-Division Champion, Kazarian and the contender, Robbie E. We all know his loudmouth counterpart, Cookie from the Jersey Shore. Oh yes. She was most definitely there, dressed in all her drunken stupor glory. Before the match started, Robbie E. is seen cutting a little promo in the ring, talking about how TNA management through a grenade at him this past Sunday at Against All Odds. Oh darling, I would NOT catch a grenade for you. Sorry Bruno Mars. Anyway, he claims he was ready to take on two dudes, not one dude but TWO. But now, he’s ready. He’s got Cooks, his hairgel, self-tanner and random letters on his crotch that mean nothing to the world. He is so ready because Jersey’s in the house, bitches!

Backstage, we see Kazarian with his lips all over, who else, but his real life wife, Traci Brooks! This is the first time we’ve seen Traci on TNA television since February of last year and honestly, she looks great from the ribcage up. Haha. The two have a mini makeout session, no doubt a good luck before the match and Kazarian makes his way to the ring. It was a good going on Mike Tenay’s part, re-stating that Traci was the original Knockout. Indeed, she was. On to the matter at hand, Kazarian spends a little time pre-match, cutting a promo as usual. He says that TNA was built on the foundation of the X-Division. “Maybe not as much foundation that’s on Cookie’s face right now, but you get the point.” Oh how true it is.

Cue the major malfunction meltdown from TNA’s Jersey Shore princess.

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Impact Write-Up (February 11th, 2011): Rosita is Muy Caliente in TNA Debut

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Last night’s Impact saw the debut of a new Knockout, Rosita, who was introduced as the ‘cousin’ of Sarita. How would the newcomer measure up in her debut night? And how would TNA give Mickie and Madison’s big title match this Sunday one last push? Let’s find out…

Earlier in the evening, we catch Angelina Love’s cohorts, Velvet Sky and Winter arguing backstage before she proceeds to shut it down and try to get them on the same page. Obviously, that’s not going to work. Anyone who’s been torn between a friend and a lover who don’t like each other can probably attest to that. Which begs the question – who is the ‘friend’ and who is the ‘lover’ in this scenario? Winter or Velvet? You decide.

Anyhoo, it’s match time and we are ready to meet our new Knockout! Regardez:

Sarita is out first and her cousin Rosita is not far behind. The duo salsa down the ramp before doing a little skit in the ring. Next out is the team of Tara & Madison Rayne. On the babyface side, the BPs and Winter come out which leads to a funny yet awkward situation as Winter, like Velvet, tries to crawl through Angelina’s legs for her entrance. Angie acts violated while Winter looks rather pleased with herself. Next out is Hardcore Country herself, Mickie James. By my count, that’s eight Knockouts — okay, we’re ready to go!

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Impact Write-Up (February 03rd, 2011): The Queen Raynes Supreme!

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Oh skittles! Here we go again! It is that time again. That time where you sit down, curl up with a nice warm blanket and join me for yet another lovely entry into the TNA iMPACT Write-Up vault. Last week, we got a show full of Knockouts, bouncing all over the place. We saw a boiling rivalry finally come to a head between Winter and Velvet Sky, not to mention a certain champion getting a taste of her own medicine, self delivered. We also saw another few pages written in the saga that is The Jarretts versus Kurt Angle. Deep breath!

This week, we are subject to a ridiculous video ensemble from the power couple of TNA, which I don’t recommend watching before eating. We also have the saving grace of a true Knockouts match between two polar opposites when it comes to the squared circle. So I tell you what, take a seat in the back, settle with your popcorn and get ready for a cinematic feature. Okay. So it isn’t the Masterpiece Theatre but dammit, it’s TNA! It’s Diva Dirt! It’s the Write-Up! Let’s do this!

Our first glimpse is a video package with Karen Jarrett and her husband, Jeff. They are allowing the TNA audience into their home, cheesy MTV Cribs style. They talk about how they met, Karen being just a random employee but then Cupid stuck his arrow right in Jeff’s heart. We weren’t lucky enough for it to do any actual damage but we can hope, right? Karen says that she was married before for twelve years, but she was alone. Now she isn’t alone and she’s got Daddy Jeff to thank for that. Granted, their home in Hendersonville, Tennessee is very nice but is it really worth exploiting your children over? Karen walks around the house, dressed in all black, looking like a gothic character from an Austin Powers movie. Yeah. I said it.

Long story short, the kids come in, dressed like they’re ready for a Christmas photoshoot. Karen is showing off the pictures in Jeff’s office when the kids point out their favorite picture. It is one of everyone in TNA, with Jeff Jarrett standing next to TNA President, Dixie Carter. The girls call her “Aunt Dixie” and their father is quick to correct him. All the kids apologize, calling him Daddy Jeff which makes me sick. Then picking on Kurt Angle’s little boy, with his mother urging him on. Someone call child services. Seriously.

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