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Impact Write-Up (January 27th, 2011): The Beautiful People Need a Wintervention

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First, I want to apologize if I am running behind this week. Lack of internet and a brain on behalf of my internet provider has put me on a slow schedule. Nonetheless, I welcome you to another edition of the weekly TNA iMPACT Write-Up! Last week, we saw a fourway Knockouts match take place between four of your favorite Knockouts. A few delivered some new techniques while others fell short of their recent glory. We also saw a rather tumultuous and dramatic soap opera begin to unfold between TNA’s power couple and her ex-husband. It wasn’t pretty and it only lead to further development this week. We’ve got screaming, fighting and a whole lot of Knockout action on iMPACT this week so let’s get this ball rolling!

Our first major action of the night; a six Knockout tag team elimination match. Sarita is out first, doing her little shimmy to the ring, dressed in attire that I actually cannot disagree with this week. I can dig it a lot better than the long sleeves, which are not flattering. She’s working the cleavage, but I’m sure no one enjoyed it long  considering she almost killed herself trying to flip into the ring. Perhaps if she learned to put the “L” for loser on the other hand, that might not happen. Just saying. SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Out next are her partners, the team of Tara and the Knockouts Champion, Madison Rayne. They come roll to the ring on Tara’s crotch rocket, in usual style and Madison is still wearing that crown and sash. But thank the queen herself! Madison has a new outfit this week! A whole new outfit! Black and white certainly fits her, especially with that coveted glove. Shock and awe!

A quick slap to the backside and a kiss for good luck, the Rayne of Tara duo(there you go) get into the ring and begin waving to their oh so dedicated fans. I’m not really sure what Tara is wearing this week. It looks like pajamas but the key is that elbow brace. We most definitely have to keep an eye on that. HARDCORE COUNTRY! On the other side of the ring will stand Mickie James, who bounds out to the ring like a child hyped up on pixie sticks. As usual, she is wearing her cut off daisy dukes and plaid tie up. Oddly enough, I just realized how much I actually like her boots. Huh. Anyway, her partners for the evening are the original Beautiful People, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky. The music hits, lights go up but instead of an entrance, we’re taken backstage. TBP are ready go to and give each other a double high five to cement that. And yes, they are wearing Hustler dresses. Well, I’m assuming that is what they are. Why you would wear a dress to the ring, I’m not certain but if anyone can do it, they can.

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Impact Write-Up (January 20th, 2011): The Young and the Wrestlers

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Well, I’ll be a coal miner’s daughter! It is that time again, people. The time of glorious wrestling drama and kinky Knockouts action! Alright. I’m a little bland when it comes to introductions this week so I’ll just get straight to the technical stuff. I promise, next week, I’ll do better!

Last week on Impact we saw the return of the flawless Karen Jarrett, hellbent on making her ex-husband’s life a living hell. We also saw a rather mediocre yet quizzical tag team match for the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles which gave Winter her first TNA submission victory. This week, Karen is back and ready to strike while four of the other Knockouts are set to take action in the ring, fatal fourway style. Plenty of action and lots to cover so it’s time to jump on the train and speed on the down the track. Let’s do it!

Our beloved Knockouts action starts out this week with a non-title fourway Knockouts match-up. Out first is Sarita, who gets a short yet hip shaking entrance, donned an orange version of her wrestling attire. Just once, I’d like to see her look as fierce in the ring as she does out of it. Speaking of fierce, out next is the lovely Velvet Sky, sporting brand new hot pink and silver attire that I have to say definitely flatters her. Similar design but thank cheese, she got rid of that crushed velvet material. Haha. In true fashion, Velvet “lets the pigeons loose”, playing it up as always. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Third to the ring is Mickie James, looking like she just stepped out of the barn in that lumberjack flannel. Nice to see she’s recovered from that concussion. SHE’S A KILLER QUEEN! Finally, last but not least, comes the Knockouts Champion herself, Madison Rayne. Now, the title of this week’s Impact is coined “Dirty Laundry” and rightfully so, considering our self-professed queen is donning that same damn beer wench outfit. I was really hoping she’d burned that but instead, she covered it up with a sash and accessorized…with a crown and side ponytail. Oh Madison.

Staying true to character, the champion screeches at SoCal Val, who is nice enough to hold onto the Queen’s items while she’s performing. Obviously just doing her job, poor Val just looks so confused as she walks away. Thank heavens, this match is finally going to kick off. Let me remind you, this is not a tag team match. Two in ring, two on the outside and tags must be made but there are no teams. The first Knockout to score a pin fall or submission walks away the winner. Madison and Sarita are the first to step out of the ring while Mickie and Velvet are both roaring to go. Velvet can’t wait to get her hands on Sarita while Mickie isn’t quite ready to give up her chance either. The two pull back and forth for a moment, trying to determine who will start things off but instead, come to a great compromise. Let’s just fight each other! Whatever happened to just flipping a coin? Is all the shoving necessary? Can’t we all just get along? No? Okay then. Lock it up!

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Impact Write-Up (January 13th, 2011): The Wrath of a Woman Scorned

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Could it be?! Oh yes! It is time for yet another edition of the weekly Impact Write-Up with yours truly. Last week, we witnessed a rather weird tag team match-up between two teams that had to have been picked out of a hat. However, with an assist from the Elbow of Death, evil prevailed once again. This week, we have a returning Knockout surrounded by major controversary. We also have yet another tag team match but this time, the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Titles are on the line. Will the current odd couple champions maintain or will the power duo come by yet another knockout victory? What kind of trouble will the former Mrs. Angle get herself into? You’re only going to find out by following me down the rabbit hole! Don’t be afraid. I’ll hold your hand and in the end, I promise to give you cookies. Yes, the soft kind. Now GO!

Our first glimpse into Knockout beauty this week, comes in the form of a returning Karen Jarrett. She starts out the show, as the Knockouts should every week, by arriving to the arena with her husband, Jeff. Karen looks gorgeous, as usual, fabulous in a bright blue strapless dress that I adore. New marriage does a body good, apparently. The couple canoodle and smooch before heading into the arena. A little while later, they are caught walking to the Immortal locker room when Jarrett stops her. He wants to make sure that she’s ready for this encounter. Karen says that she’s been sitting at home for two years and she’s never been more ready in her life. You go girl! Rawr!

Later in the show, Karen and Jeff Jarrett are seen walking down the backstage corridor. Jeff cuts a small promo on Kurt Angle, who just happens to be Karen’s ex-husband and his opponent at Genesis. Karen admires her man and he blushes on her just as much. He asks her to do just one thing which is not to lose her temper. Karen claims she’s as cool as a cucumber but by the look on Jeff’s face, he thinks otherwise. I think we all know that if your ex-husband was making your life hell and you’d sat back for two years watching, you’d be like a ticking time bomb. It is time to let the drama unfold!

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Karen Jarrett Returning to TNA Television

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One-time TNA Knockout, Karen Jarrett (formerly Karen Angle) will make her return to TNA television this Thursday night on Impact.

The gorgeous baby mama of Kurt Angle and current wife of TNA founder, Jeff Jarrett, was part of the TNA roster from 2007 through 2008. She hosted her own talk show segment on Impact, Karen’s Angle, and graced the cover of the ‘TNA Knocked Out’ DVD which featured profile pieces on the Knockouts roster.

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Impact Write-Up (January 6th, 2011): The Elbow of Tara Strikes Again!

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Hello there! Welcome back to the official TNA Impact Write-Up! My name is April and I will be your sponsor this week. Call me should you feel yourself in doubt of your wrestling devotion. I’ll set you straight. Last week, we saw a snappy strap match between Velvet Sky and Sarita that left us all using our imaginations. We also saw Madison Rayne in her Viera Twang dress and accent that left us all doubled over. This week, we’ve got Knockouts action in form of a rather odd pair of teams set to settle the score. Follow along, my darlings!

Out first is the team of Madison Rayne and Sarita. Madison is escorted to the ring by her bodyguard, Tara on her crotch rocket while Sarita dances her way down the ring in a glow in the dark ensemble. I’d even go so far as to say it could be from the Jeff Hardy clothing collection. Not a fan, again. At least Madison got rid of her little beer wench skirt and gold panties, changing it up with a pair of cute matching pants. Note the funny moment here where Sarita does her little salsarita dance and gets huffy when Tara starts dancing with her. Haha. HARDCORE COUNTRY! Out next is Mickie James in her country couture, daisy dukes and plaid tie-off. She is set to team with the lovely Velvet Sky who makes her way out last in black and hot pink. I like the black chaps a lot better than the others. Freelance fashion aside, two somewhat unorthodox tag teams set to face off.

Starting this match out in true bitch manner, Velvet goes straight after Sarita as soon as the bell rings. Sarita tries to come back with a clothesline but Vel Vel ducks and shoves her down, rebounding off the ropes to come back with a low dropkick. Quick to get back on it, Velvet takes Sarita down with a knee smash to the face. A few slaps to the chest and Sarita flings Velvet into the ropes which brings Vel Vel back with a headscissors roll-up. One..two..and no prize pinning combination. Sarita kicks out but Velvet flips her right back over for another attempt. Sarita does her best to come back but one half of the founding Beautiful People is hellbent on taking the latina down. I like Vicious Velvet. I think it suits her.

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Impact Write-Up (December 30th, 2010): A Strapping Knock-Off

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Oh hello there! Simply can’t resist my charm, can you? Haha. Welcome back to the weekly Diva Dirt Impact Write-Up. Last week, we determined new TNA Knockouts Tag Team Champions in Angelina Love and Winter. We also saw a brutal attack on Velvet Sky by Sarita which left us all pretty certain that both of them had used a strap before. It was a touching brawl. Honestly, I was choked up. This week, the beatdowns between Sarita and Velvet Sky continue and Madison Rayne gives us a glimpse into her glamorous side. Hold onto your rhinestones, people! This is going to blow your bedazzled socks off!

Back from a long commercial break, we see Sarita in the hallway talking trash against Velvet Sky. She says how dare Velvet challenge her to a match. She also says she’s got something for her. Sarita shows the gold strap again and snaps it tight. “I am gonna whoop that ass.” Go on wit ya bad self! *snaps*

And it is on to true Knockouts action! Out first, set to compete in a Knockouts Strap Match, is Velvet Sky and damn, she is well equipped. She comes out, mile long strap in hand and she is just punishing the ramp as she makes her way to the ring. Can you blame her? If some crazy bitch beat the hell out of me with a strap, I’d be furious too. Although, I do have to say, it looks like Vel Vel has used that strap before. *whistles* Her opponent, Sarita, comes out next, dressed in her true Mexican colors but it comes off looking more like a late Christmas outfit. Definitely not a fan of this one. Apparently, in this match, the women will be strapped together at the wrists with that long strap keeping them together. In order to win the match, either Sarita or Velvet must restrain their opponent long enough to touch all four top turnbuckles without interruption.

Despite practically begging to get out of the match, Sarita finally gives in and the bell rings. It is on like Donkey Kong! Both women circle one another around the ring, trying to gain leverage but in a blink, Sarita tries to take her end and go home. But Velvet isn’t going to take it. She follows and bunches up her end of the leather, ready to strike. Not one to truly back down, Sarita charges and slams Velvet back into the ring apron, quick to make valid use of that leather strap. Thank you, Ma’am! May I have another? Can I just insert my “Ouch!” here and be done with it? Because that honestly looked like it hurt.

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Impact Write-Up (December 23rd, 2010): Walking in a Winter Weirdo-Land

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Back for the TNA Impact Weekly Wailing, I see. I knew you would return. That’s right, folks! It is time for yet another edition for the Diva Dirt TNA Impact Write-Up brought to you by yours truly.  Last week, we saw two Knockouts handcuffed together and a fairly new Knockout make her official in-ring debut. This week, we head into the final round of the TNA Knockouts Tag Team Title tournament to find out who will finally take home those nice shiny objects of obsession. So take a little ride with me on the TNA fast track. I might even let you be the caboose!

Our first sight of the lovely TNA Knockouts comes from the trailer (literally) of the Knockouts Champion, Madison Rayne and her tag team parter, Tara. They’re caught on camera, primping and prepping for their tag match later in the evening against The Beautiful People. Madison says they might be going into the match with one body but those two share one brain. Tara reminds her that her elbow brace is tough as nails but she also wants to make sure it doesn’t make her look…fat?! How on earth can an elbow brace make you look fat? I shake my head. Tara wants to make it quick so she can skip off to her party with Gen Me. They giggle, gaggle and go back to the art of applying lipgloss.

We see the back of, who we later find out is Sarita, with a gold strap behind her back. She enters the locker room of Velvet Sky and after a sneer, closes the door behind her. As shown after the commercial, during the break, Sarita proceeded to beat the living hell out of poor Vel Vel. She slashes her back with that leather weapon of choice, prompting Velvet to tag Sarita as a “crazy bitch”. Like we didn’t already know? This quickly goes into a rabid choke and after a moment, the Loco Latina sends Velvet careening out into the hallway.

Sarita once again taunts Velvet about not being able to face her one on one. At this particular point, I find myself wondering, why in the hell are these two still feuding?! Okay. I know this is probably going to link back to not wanting to see feuds but it is BORING. It’s like a very violent edition of Mean Girls minus Lindsay Lohan and her cocaine addiction.

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Impact Write-Up (December 16th, 2010): Now That’s a ‘Knockout’ Victory…

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It is that time once again, folks. Time to dive back into a total recall of full throttle action by TNA’s Knockouts. Last week, we saw an epic cage match between Mickie James and Tara, The Beautiful People advanced in the newly announced Knockouts Tag Team Title tournament and our resident Scream Queen, Daffney returned to the Impact Zone. This week, the tournament continues. Who will go on to face Angelina Love and Velvet Sky for the gold? I know you are all chomping at the bit to find out what happened this week so onward we go!

Our first, earth shattering glimpse of TNA beauty comes in the form of Cookie this week. She escorts her slick haired guido, Robbie E. to the ring in an X-Division Title rematch against Jay Lethal. I am still not sure about these two. I have never been a fan of the Jersey Shore and everytime I see them, I feel like I am being forced to watch bad MTV reruns. Nonetheless, Cookie is sporting all black with the purple streaks. Love a curvy woman being on the roster but that outfit was not flattering, Cooks.

The match starts off quick, as does Cookie’s interference in the match-up. She easily flattens Lethal with an ankle grab, sending him to the mat. This prompts the flaming firecrotch, Christy Hemme to charge the ring, wasting little time taking the Guidette to the ground. Christy, barefoot and dressed like she stepped out of a Knockouts Christmas card, whips out a silver set of handcuffs. Yes, this is definitely a Jersey Shore rerun. With a little effort, Christy manages to cuff herself to Cookie, who is not happy at all. Ladies and Gents, I do believe we have a ‘Situation’ on our hands.

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Impact Write-Up (December 9th, 2010): A Hardcore (Country) Main Event

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We are pleased to welcome new Diva Dirt writer, April, who is taking over the Impact Write-Up.

This week on Impact was just saddlebags full of Knockout action. First, we saw the vacating of the Knockouts Tag Team Championship, the return of the Scream Queen, Daffney and a first for TNA: a Knockouts steel cage as the main event, between Mickie James and Tara. Take a deep breath, you’re gonna need the oxygen…

Our first glimpse of the TNA Knockouts on this episode of Impact comes via video package from August 05, 2010 where Taylor Wilde and Hamada win the TNA Knockouts Tag Titles. Mike Tenay announces that Hamada has left the company due to passport issues. With Hamada gone, the titles are obviously up for grabs and their new owners will be determined tournament-style. It is announced that Sarita will be teaming with the returning Daffney (odd team, much?) against The Beautiful People, Angelina Love and Velvet Sky.

Later, Tara is seen backstage, tuning up for what is meant to be Tara: Live in Concert. Pray to whatever God you pray to because this is going to take some major miracle workmanship. Generation Me is with her. All means of importance go out the window here. True, they may appear to look like Knockouts but they, indeed, are not. Tara’s attempt to one up Mickie James is up next.

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