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Raw Redux (December 28th, 2009) – Maryse: “Je Suis la Prochain Championne”

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It seems as though last week’s Santa’s Little Helpers match actually had some bearing on the future, as apparently Kelly Kelly‘s pin on Maryse has led to a match between the two this week. Will it be better than last week’s short skirt convention? There’s only one way to find out: Maryse starts the match, … Read more

Random Observations from Last Night’s Raw

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The random observations column is back with a bang, as I take you through Raw by way of my brain! * Gail Bella, anyone? All she needed really was a matching outfit. * Speaking of her outfit, I can’t help but feel there may have been a little more on show than just her legs … Read more

Raw Redux (December 21st, 2009) – It’s the Most Pointless Time of the Year

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As we all have become accustomed, this is the time of the year where folks sing carols, wrap presents, and the Divas amount to nothing more than skimpy red costumes. So we saw this coming, and it shouldn’t be surprise that this week’s Raw was absolutely pointless. In what has become an annual thing, Melina, … Read more

Raw Response: December 21st, 2009

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Tonight’s Raw is hosted by New York Yankee, Johnny Damon. Will his role in the show lead to a baseball-themed gimmick match for the Divas? Will we get a Christmas-themed gimmick match? Discuss the show in the comments! Join us later tonight for the Post-Raw Show with Steven & Tiffany!

Raw Redux (December 14th, 2009) – What’s Wrong With This Picture?

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Last night’s Raw, in all its bloated 3 hour glory, was the annual Slammy Awards edition. Among the awards to be handed out were Diva of the Year, which was to be voted on by the fans at WWE.com. As we waited on pins and needles (not) to find out who won the award, we pondered whether the award would be given to support a storyline via rigging by the WWE or a popularity contest held by the voting public. As is turns out, it was neither, and I’ll explain my theory as we come to it.

We start our Divas action (not counting the Divas presenting awards throughout the night) with a Jerry Springer-esque evening gown tag team match. The babyfaces–Mickie James, Melina, Brie & Nikki Bella, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim, and Maria are taking on the heels–Michelle McCool, Layla, Maryse, Beth Phoenix, Natalya, Alicia Fox, and Rosa Mendes. Most look out of place and trashy in their gowns, and I would critique them (I’ll save that for this week’s Style Jury), but I’m much more distracted by the fact that they’re WRESTLING IN EVENING GOWNS. Well, this’ll be one mesmerizing clusterfuck:


Skip to 2:52

They start with a line-up face-off, trading verbal barbs before heading off their their respective corners. Mickie and Rosa start off the match, Rosa takign advantage and tossing Mickie around, pounding her head on the mat. They trade slaps, and Rosa tosses Mickie into the corner. Mickie blocks her attack, locking her head with her legs and hitting a hurricanrana. She then pulls her to her feet, hitting her Mickie-T to get the pin an the win for her team.

I have to say, this is one of the few moments where I’m glad that a Diva match was cut short. I’m glad that no more than two Divas had to humiliate themselves by wrestling in their dresses. Mickie and Rosa did as awkwardly as I expected, but hey, someone had to take the bullet. Now that the match is over, it’s time for the Diva of the Year Slammy to be awarded. The girls line up in anticipation as MVP and Goldust present the award.

Our winner is announced as, drumroll please…. Maria??? MVP’s reaction right before he reads her name says it all, and Maria looks as shocked as the rest of us as she goes up to accept her award, saying a typical acceptance speech before being interrupted by Batista in a douche costume, doing a Kanye West impression that’s not only awful but over 3 months old. If the joke were a carton of milk, it would have expired into a living organism at this point and, ironically, would be more worthy of a Diva of the Year award than Maria. Maria plays Taylor Swift as she left the stage and allowed Dave to be “escorted” off by security.

But as we watch the wild pink-polo-wearing douchebag be captured in his natural habitat, we’re left to ponder the reasoning behind this decision to crown Maria as Diva of the Year. Was is it truly a popularity contest, and she was just the most popular Diva among the fans? Or was it rigged for storyline purposes? As I said earlier, I believe it was neither, because I have a theory. Yes, Maria is popular, and I do not doubt that fans flocked to vote for her in the poll, but I don’t believe her star power amongst the casual fans is that much stronger than, say, a Mickie James or a Kelly Kelly.

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Raw Redux (December 7th, 2009) – A (Relative) Smörgåsbord of Divas

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With Maryse two weeks into her return, fans have been less than impressed with her all-around performance. Her return was more head-scratching than anything else and her match last week didn’t show her in-ring skills as much as a more refined affinity to sneak out a win. Will she continue on that path this week, or will we see a more ring-focused Maryse?

We start our night seeing that Kelly Kelly has been handed the duty of announcing the night’s first Divas match. I’m not all the surprised that they saddled Kelly with this random job, since the WWE has a tendency to stick Divas in announcing positions when they don’t know what else to do with them. We’ll see if this becomes a regular thing or was just a plot device to bring in Melina post-match.

The match in question is Gail Kim vs. Maryse. I’m psyched to see Gail get some one-on-one action, as she’s usually stuck in tag team matches (aside from the odd Superstars match). Let’s see if she can pull some good things out what’s so far been a lackluster return angle for Maryse:

The match starts off with a requisite show of arrogance by Maryse–she actually shoves Gail by the head twice. Gail seems to keep her annoyance in check until she spears Maryse to the mat, pounding on her until she’s shoved off. Maryse darts to safety at the other side of the ring, but Gail keeps on her, tossing her by the hair and whipping her into the ropes. Maryse hangs on to the ropes, but Gail drags her back to the middle of the ring by a leg, making Maryse hop along. Gail tosses Maryse’s leg aside, spinning her, and then slamming her down with a hard clothesline.

Maryse crawls to the corner, and once she’s to her feet, Gail charges at her, slipping out of the ring and back in under the ropes, out-smarting Maryse and rolling her up into a pin attempt. Maryse kicks out at two and wanders to the next corner, only to be sandwiched into it by a flying Gail. Maryse drops to her butt, and Gail proceeds to drive her knee into her neck, using her standing leverage to apply the pressure. Gail eventually backs off and Maryse gets to her feet, simply slapping Gail in the face in rebuttal.

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Raw Response: December 7th, 2009

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Tonight’s Raw is hosted by eccentric entrepreneur and the Dallas Maverick’s owner Mark Cuban. Discuss tonight’s show in the comments below! If you have a Twitter account, feel free to tweet us your feedback on the show–we’ll be retweeting the best ones!!

Raw Redux (November 30th, 2009) – The Greeks Take Troy (Again)

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Following Maryse‘s turkey-costumed return, fans came to a general consensus that it was pretty disappointing. But with this week came the opportunity to add some legitimacy to this blossoming feud. Would Maryse deliver, or would she–like the turkey she disguised herself as–not even get off the ground?

We begin the night with an entrance by Melina and Gail Kim. The feed cuts to Maryse and Jillian walking backstage, only to be stopped by Josh Matthews, asking Maryse what provoked her to attack Melina last week:

She explained her motives as this: Melina was holding her Divas title (not that Mickie held the title long before Melina and actually won it from Maryse in the first place) and provided a Trojan Horse, which for Melina turned out to be the turkey. I don’t want to go all history nerd and explain the many ways in which that makes no sense, but really.. I know the common usage of the Trojan Horse metaphor is with a “any trick that causes a target to invite a foe into a securely protected bastion or place”, in reference to the tale of the Greeks hiding inside of a giant horse that they left outside the gates of Troy, which when brought inside the gates (as a victory trophy) allowed them to overtake the city at night and win what has been a 10-year siege. But is the WWE ring really considered a securely protected place? Maybe the fact that Melina let the Gobbledy Gooker stand behind her qualifies as that, but that’s stretching it quite a bit. And, correct me if I’m wrong, but wasn’t accepting the Trojan Horse (and ignoring the warnings of others) a sign of vanity? They believed that the Greeks were surrendering and accepted their “victory trophy” without suspicion, and were ambushed and slaughtered for doing so. I doubt Maryse was preyinf on Melina’s vanity with her scheme.

Either way you look at it, Maryse’s metaphor oversold the thing to a ridiculous level. It actually managed to make it look even more stupid, as she (AKA the WWE’s writers) tried to sell it as some mastermind’s trick. However, when the trick involves one party dressing up in a Gobbledy Gooker suit, I think trying to make it look like any sort of “master plan” is more foolish than the idea itself.

But enough of that. Maryse says “gobble gobble” to Josh (which I guess serves as a goodbye), which Jillian sings in repetition, and the two head to the ring. Melina and Gail’s reaction to this says it all, mouthing “wow” to each other a few times. As Maryse and Jillian make their entrance, Michael Cole recaps how Maryse lost the Divas Championship at Night of Champions and–rumor has it–when into a state of depression following her loss. What a crappy excuse.. I mean, is it really that hard to just say she got injured–which she actually did? All that does is perpetuate the stereotype of the “fragile woman”. Though, Maryse’s character is approximately 99% vanity, so such a blow to her ago could probably crush her in such a way. But still, around 5 months on the shelf due to depression? That’s treating pretty lightly what in real life is a big deal–a serious mental illness. But I guess, as we’ve seen several times already this night, analyzing the WWE’s motives is a lost cause.

I really need to stop sidetracking this thing. Let’s get on to the match.

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Raw Response: November 30th, 2009

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Tonight’s Raw is hosted by actor Verne Troyer of Austin Powers fame. Discuss tonight’s show in the comments below! If you have a Twitter account, feel free to tweet us your feedback on the show–we’ll be retweeting the best ones!!

Raw Redux (November 23rd, 2009) – A Turkey of a Return

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Back in the 1920s, showbiz had a slang term for a failure or flop: they’d call it a turkey*. Fitting, given the failures we witnessed tonight on this Thanksgiving episode of Raw where a certain Diva went so far as to dress in a turkey costume for her big return. So, was it cleverly self-referential or just a bad idea? I think we know the answer to that, but just in case let’s watch the situation unfold and decide for ourselves:

Predictably, the Divas have dressed up for a “Mayflower Melee”, AKA Thanksgiving-themed 6-Diva tag match. The faces–Mickie James, Melina, and Kelly Kelly–are decked out in (*cough* super un-P.C. *cough*) Native American garb, while the heels–Michelle McCool, Layla, and Jillian–are Pilgrims. All look pretty ridiculous, even Kelly, who apparently decided to put on a tan dress and some Nikes and call it a day. But hey, at least she doesn’t look like she’s doing a Kindergarten Thanksgiving play like Michelle & co. I must say, I love how pissed they looked to be dressed in those Pilgrim costumes. At least they’re acknowledging how lame the idea is, unlike so many times in the past.

Before the match starts they are joined by the guest time keeper, the Gobbledy Gooker! …You know, the giant turkey that hatched on live television in what was known as one of the biggest “WTF” moments in WWE history? I guess since they had two Thanksgiving cliches represented, they decided to go for the trifecta. Gooker stands in the corner and awkwardly rings the bell, signaling the start of the match.

Melina and Jillian start out the match, probably praying that they can scrub off some of the bad mojo they’ve had with each other as of late. They start with a tie-up, Melina getting the upper hand by wrenching Jillian’s arm. Jillian gains control, slamming Melina to the mat. Melina reverses an irish-whip into the corner, sending Jillian into the turnbuckle and proceeding to send a shoulder into her stomach. She lays Jillian across the second ropes, prepping her a double-knee attack. Before she can do it, however, Jillian yanks her by her dress, pulling her to the mat. She tosses Melina by the hair and taunts the crowd a bit.

Jillian whips Melina into the ropes but Melina hangs on. Before she can do anything, though, Jillian meets her with an elbow to the face. She whips Melina into the turnbuckle, prepping for her handspring elbow attack. Before she can do any damage, Melina catches her with her legs, choking her and chopping her on the head. Once back on their feet Melina takes down Jillian with a (almost malfunctioned) facebuster. She goes for the pin, but Jillian kicks out.

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Michelle McCool & Mickie James Advertised for Next Week’s Raw

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SmackDown Divas Michelle McCool and Mickie James are being advertised for next week’s three hour episode of Monday Night Raw. The episode, which will likely also see Maryse’s return, is being billed as a tri-branded Thanksgiving special. McCool and James will serve as team captains for the Divas’ traditional Survivor Series elimination match the night … Read more

Raw Redux (November 16th, 2009) – What Championship Match?

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With just two weeks of buildup, we finally have our ~big~ Divas Championship match, pitting champion Melina against challenger Alicia Fox. Will this match live up to fans’ expectations, or will it–like its own build-up–be a mere shell of what it could be? Needless to say us Diva fans are used to disappointment, but we still hope for the best (against our better judgment). Let’s see if this match delivers:

Of course a big one-on-one Divas Title match in Madison Square Garden was too good to be true, because soon after Melina and Alicia’s entrances it is announced (by 30 Rock’s Judah Freedlander) that this will be a Lumberjill match. No, adding Lumberjills (as we’ve learned numerous times over) does not make a title match ~epic, it just sucks the attention away from who it should be on: the challenger and the champion. I understand that this is meant to build up Survivor Series, as the lumberjills are the participants in Sunday’s match, but surely there was a way to have this match and buildup the other match without needlessly combining them? I was actually looking forward to a good, long one-on-one Divas match for once and this move just neutered the match from the get-go.

Alicia starts the match by kicking Melina in the stomach and attempting to toss her out of the ring. Melina, however, gains control and tosses Alicia out to the wolves instead (Somehow I doubt throwing Melina out to the babyface side would’ve accomplished much of anything). Alicia dashes back into the ring before any of the lumberjills can touch her, taunting them when she’s safely back in the ring, and getting rolled up by Melina for her troubles. She kicks out, and attempts a clothesline that Melina matrixes away from. She continues on an offensive drive until Alicia tricks her, allowing her to fall out of the ring to the heel side. Melina takes a beating from the heels and the babyfaces come to her rescue, allowing her to be rolled back into the ring.

Alicia tosses Melina by her hair and goes for the pin (“Not very logical”, says Spock). She attempts to lock Melina into a hold, but Melina drives her into the turnbuckle. When Alicia charges after Melina, she’s met with a flapjack and a series of clotheslines. Alicia irish-whips Melina into the corner and gets two boots to the face, but is still able to counter a charge by Melina into a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. She goes for the pin, but only gets a 2-count.

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Divas Title Match Next Week in Madison Square Garden

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Last night on Raw, WWE announced that Alicia Fox will receive her Divas Championship match against Melina next week on Raw. The show emanates from Madison Square Garden. With a Survivor Series match already announced, I’m excited to see them announce this match prior and have it occur on the MSG ‘homecoming’ — giving it … Read more

Raw Redux (November 9th, 2009) – Blink and You Missed It

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Hoping to keep her momentum going following last week’s #1 contendership win, Alicia Fox takes on the woman she beat not too long ago on WWE Superstars, Kelly Kelly. Will this match shine or pale in comparison to that bout? Let us see:

Inexplicably, Gail Kim and Jillian are at ringside, supporting their Survivor Series teammates. I’ll assume that’s the reasoning for this, because there really isn’t any other. The match starts with both girls getting in the other’s face, both looking pretty sassy. Alicia wins the sassy contest, however, because she outright pie-faces Kelly. Kelly responds with a Lous Thesz press, pounding on Alicia’s head. A bit groggy, Alicia wanders over to the corner, drawing Kelly over and sending her face-first into the turnbuckle with a drop toe hold.

She continues the facial punishment by slamming Kelly’s face to the mat and attempting a pin, which Kelly kicks out of. Kelly attempts to find some salvation in the ropes but Alicia drags her to the center of the ring as Melina (or should I say one side of Melina’s face) watches on from backstage. Melina seems impressed, but also kind of like she’s plotting murder, rubbing her hands together in evil speculation.

Alicia plants a boot into Kelly’s midsection, preening for the crowd before dragging Kelly up by her hair. Kelly fights for control though, delivering a few shots to Alicia’s stomach. Alicia puts an end to this offense, sending her to the mat with a clothesline. She again grabs Kelly by her Barbie doll locks (careful, you might pull out a few), pancaking her face to the mat. She locks Kelly into a sleeper, and Kelly fights for freedom as the crowd slowly gets behind her. She gets to her feet and drops to her backside, sending Alicia’s jaw straight onto her shoulder, breaking her free. She goes on a string of offense, ending in a Frankensteiner that she hooks into a pin for a 2-count.

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Raw Response: November 9th, 2009

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Tonight’s Raw is hosted by British boxer Ricky “the Hitman” Hatton (doesn’t that moniker sound oddly familiar?). Join the Divas on this pre-taped Raw emanating straight from jolly old England and discuss the show with us right here! Also, feel free to peruse the spoilers if you wish. If you have a Twitter account, please … Read more

Report from Today’s Raw House Show in Liverpool, Diva Possibly Injured

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Diva Dirt reader, Lucy sent in the following results from tonight’s house show in Liverpool: The match was Kelly Kelly and Melina vs Jillian and Alicia Fox. Jillian and Alicia came out and Jillian sang “A Hard Day’s Night” in honour of The Beatles. She got seriously booed for that. Then Kelly came out to … Read more

Raw Redux (November 2nd, 2009) – The Fantastic Ms. Fox

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After last week’s debacle of botches and rage-inducing Hornswoggle cameos, things could only go up (I hope). Let’s take a look at how this week’s Diva action got started.

This week’s guest GMs Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne spoofed Sharon’s popular reality show “America’s Got Talent”, opening the door for any a misfit WWE toy to come out and embarrass themselves. This, of course, is right up Jillian‘s alley, so she of course showed up to croon a song for the judges, the results of which are below:

Jillian, with Chavo by her side, sang a duet of Ozzy Osbourne and Lita Ford’s “Close My Eyes Forever”. Before they could get very far the judges hit the buzzer, Ozzy saying that he was going to re-title the song “Close My Ears Forever”. Upset, Jillian told Sharon that she had always been jealous of Lita Ford. In response, Sharon told her to come to the ring (but in much more flowery a way).

As she and Chavo walked to the ring, Jillian began to sing a song by someone she deemed a “true rock icon”, belting out Britney Spears’s “Ooops, I Did it Again”. She gets in Sharon’s face, and gets a slap across the face in response. Jillian cowers in the corner as Chavo gets his due too–a chop to the head by Khali.

The segment played to Jillian’s strengths, namely making a bit of a fool of herself. But hey, no other Diva could do it quite like her, and she’s pretty funny in a shameless way. It must sting to be relegated to the goof-off spot after being in a feud for the Diva Championship just a week ago, but at least if she has to be slapped she’s getting slapped by Sharon Osbourne–it could be a helluva lot worse.

Directly following these shenanigans we have a Divas battle royal for the #1 contendership to the Divas Championship. We have Kelly Kelly, Eve Torres, the Bella Twins, Gail Kim, and Alicia Fox all in the ring. Eliminations, of course, can occur by any means, even by sliding under the bottom rope. That’s Divas battle royals for ya..

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Raw Redux (October 26th, 2009) – Hornswoggle Takes Center Stage

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NOTE: Ladies and gentlemen, do not adjust your computer screens–this is Erin doing the Raw Redux. Melanie and I have decided to switch shows in order to better fit our schedules. From now on, I’ll be writing for the red team and she’ll be working Fridays.

After last week’s lackluster Diva Championship rematch between Melina and Jillian, it’s safe to assume that the fans were hoping some real Diva action (a little less Chavo/Hornswoggle, a little more actual wrestling) this week to let Melina grow into her position as new Divas Champion. Well, if you got your hopes up you might want to grab a ladder and go get ’em, because they’re gonna be hanging there for a while–it looks like we’ve got more unnecessary Superstar involvement this week as well, as Santino’s teaming with Melina to take on Jillian and Chavo:

I must not have been paying close enough attention to Raw, because Santino being a babyface kind of blindsided me. I guess his act is so cheesy it might as well be used to appease the fans. I wonder how long it’ll be before he’s shooting out t-shirts in between matches.

Anywho, enough with that. Santino and Melina make their way to the ring (to Melina’s music), followed by Chavo and Jillian (to Chavo’s music.. I guess it’d be too odd for Chavo to come out to the music stylings of Jillian, though it would’ve been cool for both Divas to get their full entrances, girl power~~ and all of that.) The match starts with the men, while Melina and Jillian play cheerleaders on the outside.

After Chavo takes one suckerpunch too many, Jillian eventually tags herself in. According to the ~rules Melina must now come in, but according to heel schtick (which, strangely, is followed more often), Jillian must first try to fight Santino. She slaps him in the face, and being the gentleman he is, goes and tags in Melina. The Divas get right into it, trading blows until Jillian goes for a haymaker that Melina bends back and avoids (the Melinatrix move?).

Jillian goes to pick up Melina, who seems to go for some type of hurricanrana, but can’t get a good hold on Jillian (translation: botch). She lands on her feet and turns it into an armbar, but Jillian clotheslines her before she can lock it in. God, these girls just don’t have any luck together, do they?

But before they can redeem themselves, out comes Hornswoggle to… do the DX chop? Really, what’s his reason for being out here, other than to further terrorize Chavo? I don’t get it. Does he think the fans are just dying to see him inject DX into the 95% of the show they don’t already take up? Whatever the senseless reason, he seems to have distracted Melina and Jillian a bit, as when Melina attempts the Last Call she nearly take off her own head. Was that even a Last Call? I guess you could call it a delayed roll-up.

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Raw Response: October 26th, 2009

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Tonight’s Raw is hosted by NASCAR drivers Kyle Busch and Joey Logano. Tune in for several cheesy racing metaphors and any possible Diva race-inspired involvement. Discuss tonight’s Raw, as always, here as it happens!

Raw Redux (October 19th, 2009) – New Divas, Same Old You-Know-What

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The ‘quality of life’ for Divas didn’t fare any better last night, in the first Raw following the Diva Trade. New Divas, Melina and Eve Torres were present though they didn’t exactly enhance the programme. Despite the Trade supposedly being an improvement for the women’s division, it certainly didn’t look like it. If, like me, … Read more

Raw Response: October 19th, 2009

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One week removed from the big Diva Trade, it’s a brand new look for the Divas roster on Raw! There’s a new top dog in new Divas Champion, Melina plus she’s brought along Eve with her too! How will Raw feel without Beth Phoenix and Mickie James?! Tonight’s Raw is hosted by Snoop Dogg. What … Read more

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